Online Dating: Cullen Style
by Mrs. Fang-Black17
Summary: Nessie is forced to go on a date with one of the pack members. Read and find out who and where they go! a lot funnier than it sounds
1. Chapter 1

**I'm Not Stephenie Meyer!**

**A/N: Sorry about the last story! This one will should stay fine! Hope you like it!**

"Nessie!!" I rolled out of bed too see that is was eleven. Groggily I took a brush through my bronze curls, brushed me teeth and walked down the stairs.

"Rose? Alice? What do you need?" I loved them too death, but they know weekends I sleep in. They both had huge tacky grins on their faces; no good can come of this.

"Well," Rose began, "we made you a profile on this dating site!" No way!!

"Nessie, don't worry, it's a site that Rose put up! Most of the pack is logged in to. All we have to do is get your description of the perfect guy." Alice tried to explain.

"You both know what Jacob looks like! Just put that in!" I moaned. "No, we're not describing Jacob!" Rose cried.

"Ok, someone tall, sweet, and funny. Can stand the smell of my family. Oh and keeps me on my toes." I was describing Jake, but everybody-except Seth- was at least 6'1.

"Ok, done!" Alice cheered.

"What now?"

"We wait a week and see who you're matched up with!" Alice explained.

One week later…

"**NESSIE!!!!!!"** Today we would see whom I was matched with.

"Ok," I winced, "who did I get matched with?" Alice and Rose were cracking up.

"Well," Rose had to stop because she was laughing, "it says your 56% compatible with Seth, -"

"God no! I will not go out with Seth!" I shrieked.

"Chill, Nessie! 14% with Embry, and only 30% with Jacob!" Rose was bubbling with delight.

"I'm not going out with Seth!" I cried.

"Well, we told Seth you would!" Alice giggled.

"Fine! Where are we going?" I demanded.

"Oh, I know that!" Emmett boomed. I dashed over there.

"Where?!"

"Sworn to secrecy!" Emmett chuckled. I could kick him but I won't.

"Dudes! Just tell her!" Jasper shouted.

"Ok, he's taking you to see Elmo!" Alice and Rose laughed.

"I'm not going!!!!!!!!!!" I shouted.

Why not?" Emmett chuckled.

"Because Elmo is a stalker!!!!" {A/N: this is a big inside joke!}

"How is that?" my Dad was here, now, too.

"Because! He talks to a flippen fish! He kisses random babies!! And he can always talk to that weird dude!"

Then knock, knock; Seth was here! Curse my Aunt's.

"Dad? Make Seth leave!" I begged

"Sorry, Nessie, I can't." he said sympathetically.

"Can you stall, while I change?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Thanks." I ran upstairs and found my dark denim jeans and a black top. And black ballet flats.

"You look happy!" Emmett joked.

"Just giddy!" I retorted.

I walked outside, "Hey Seth."

"Hi." He mumbled.

The car ride was quiet and boring; Seth rambled on about school; "Mr. Blah blah, detention…. Weeks." Seth said.

So it seemed like I was paying attention I occasionally I gave a "Hmmm" or "Really?"

"We're here!" Ms. Clearwater announced, oh joy.

Seth finally found our seats and I was prepared for the worst.

"Seth I'm not feeling well I'm gonna go to the restroom. " please don't figure out that I'm avoiding you.

"Ok." Yes!! I ran down to the restrooms and called Jake.

Ring, ring, ring…."Hey, Ness! What're up to?" he didn't seemed concerned.

"My aunts' set me up on a date with Seth!" I cried. "They told him to take me to see Elmo live!"

"Wow," Jacob sighed, "how long is the show?" he cares!

"I don't know!" I wailed. "How long do you think I can stay in the bathroom?" I wondered.

"Well, if you told him you don't feel good an hour." Jacob admitted. "Don't ask how I know. Oh, I have to go; good luck, Ness!"

"Thanks, Jake." I sighed. Finally I realized how dumb it was to avoid Seth in a restroom that smelled awful!

Reluctantly I made my way back to my seat. Sadly the thing hadn't even started. Crap.

"Feeling better?" Seth asked truly concerned.

"Yeah." I lied.

Then he came out! And Seth went wild.

Oh, God, Seth loves Elmo!

Read and Review

**I'll try to update soon!!!!!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

I DON'T OWN SETH OR NESSIE OR JAKE OR ANYTHING Twilight! I also don't own Elmo, but who would want to

**A/N: See what happens when you mix Seth and Elmo! People sorry if you don't like it, it was written out of boredom! Truth be told I'll probably delete the story!**

There Seth was, cheering for Elmo.

"Wooooooo! Elmo!!!!" Seth cheered.

Then I realized that Seth was wearing an Elmo shirt. It was really funny. I took my seat preparing for the worst. Elmo said his hi-pitched annoying voice. Something about an extravaganza.

"Seth, how long is this?" I whispered.

"Shhhh!" How rude!

I really need to get back at my family, especially Alice and Rose.

When the songs started that's when I pulled out the camera phone. Thank God Seth loves Elmo so now I have blackmail over him if he ever tries to take me to anything Elmo.

"Seth? How long is this?!" I hissed.

"Two and a half hours!" Seth smiled.

"God," I mumbled.

"Now, do you love Elmo?!" the little creature asked.

A chorus of "YES!!!" was heard except for me.

"No!!!! I I think you're a stalker!" I yelled. Moms gasped but I didn't care.

"And why is that?" Elmo asked.

"OHMIGOD!!! YOU TALK TO A FLIPPEN FISH! YOU KISS RANDOM BABIES. AND YOU KNOW WHERE THAT ONE DUDE LIVES!" I explained.

"Nessie!! That is not true! Elmo isn't a stalker!" Seth cried.

"Seth," I tried to soothe, "I'm just stating the truth."

"Really?" Seth was like a little kid.

"Yes, Seth" I explained.

"I don't believe you!"

"Ok, just watch Elmo, Seth!" I complained

"I will!" after that I just sat and complained. The rest of the show trudged on.

"It's over lets go!" I desperately wanted to leave, but Seth had other plans.

"Patience!" Seth growled.

"What could we possibly be doing now?" I spat.

"We are meeting Elmo!" Seth said extremely cheery.

We were walking down the isle to see Elmo.

"Seth! Hell-o." I smiled it took all I had not to call Elmo an emo stalker, well emo.

"Seth you get three pictures!" I snapped.

"Awwwww!" Seth whined. And used his baby face.

"Fine! Say cheese!" Seth ran over to Elmo and had a mini photo shoot with Elmo; I had another bathroom break.

I hoped Jake would pick up; he did.

"What's up Ness?" Jacob asked sounding like he was nervous about my answer.

"Stressful, I called Elmo a stalker, I have a video of Seth singing Elmo and he had a photo shoot with Elmo!" I was almost in hysterics.

"Wow," Jake sighed.

"Can you come over?" I begged.

"Sure!" It was pretty stupid to ask when I knew he would.

I ran to Ms. Clearwater's car and told her most of the story, and refused to talk to Seth.

When she arrived at my house I managed a somewhat sincere goodbye.

When I walked through the door I ran over to Jake.

"So," Rose teased, "how was the performance?"

"Well, Seth was like a fangirl, I called Elmo a stalker, and have a video to blackmail Seth with! All in all pretty typical." I sighed.

"You sooo didn't call Elmo a stalker!" Emmett challenged.

"Your more than welcome to call Seth." I challenged back.

"She did!" Alice confirmed, "I saw it! It was hilarious!" Alice laughed.

"Good going, Nessie!" Emmett approved.

"Ditto!" my mom giggled.

For about an hour we sat laughing at that.

After a while I turned to Jacob, looked him in the eye, and playfully whispered, "Jake? If you ever do that I'll hurt you!" I laughed.

"Wasn't planning on it!" Jacob assured me.

"Can we still have the blackmail?" Emmett asked.

"Sorry that's mine!" I laughed.

"Awwww." Emmett teased.

**Review!!!!! Sorry if you hated it! It was just something I wrote out of boredom!!!!**


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